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Original Birth Names of Jewish Performers: submitted by Bernie Mayoff Woody Allen --- Alan Stewart Koenigsberg YIDDISH ~~~THE SECRET CODE Yiddish was the secret code, therefore I don't farshtaist, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GLOSSARY |
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1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER Chapter 2: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE Chapter 3: SIGNS OF WEAR |
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Latkes |
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little Yiddish/Jewish Humor. -------------------------- Saul Epstein Was Taking An Oral Exam Applying For His Citizenship Papers. He Was Asked To Spell "Cultivate" He Spelled It Correctly. He Was Then Asked To Use The Word In A Sentence. He Brightened Up And Said, "Last Vinter On A Very Cold Day, I Vas Vaiting For A Bus, But It Vas Too Cultivate, So I Took The Subvay Home." ================================================= Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well." Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty is begins tugging Saul toward shore. After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?" Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!" ================================================= Q. How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband? A. She has a headache with the mailman. ================================================ Q: What's the difference between a Bris and a Get ? A: With a Get, you're rid of the whole schmuck! ============================================ Bar Mitzvah Definition: A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to the realization that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one. =========================================== How do Jews actually practice their religion in contrast to what rabbis tell us we ought to do? From Ari Goldman's Book: "Being Jewish: the Spiritual and Cultural Practice of Judaism Today" -- 1. I don't floss my teeth on Shabbat. 2. I don't eat shellfish on Shabbat. 3. I drive, but not on freeways (on Shabbat). 4. I keep kosher, but only within 50 miles of my home. 5. I keep 3 sets of dishes - for meat, dairy, and Chinese Food. ============================================= An old Jewish man was dying in the hospital. His family - wife, children, grandchildren - came to see him but only one was allowed in the room at a time. Grandson Ben went in first. "Hello, Grampa Moishe. Can I do something for you?" "Yes," said Grampa Moishe. Go tell Gramma Sadie I want some of her chopped liver. Ben went out and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he can't have any chopped liver. It would kill him." Ben went back in and reported. "You tell Gramma Sadie I want the chopped liver. I'm dying anyway and it won't make any difference." Ben went and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he can't have any. The chopped liver is for the shiva." ================================================= Neurotic: A person who worries about things that didn't happen in the past... instead of worrying about something that won't happen in the future, like normal people. =========================================== A man is lying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon. The father says, "Son, think of it this way ... If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you." =========================================== A Jewish gangster escapes from a shootout with the police and staggers into his mothers apartment on the lower East Side. Near death and with a gaping wound in his chest, he gasps, "Ma, I've been shot." "Oy. Eat first," his mother says, "Later, we'll talk." ========================================= "A Jewish Mother's Answering Machine" If you want varnishkas, press 1; If you want knishes press 2; If you want chicken soup, press 3; If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4; If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling. ========================================== A Jewish businessman warned his son against marrying a "shiksa." The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism." "It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A shiksa will cause problems." After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work. "It's Shabbos," the son replied. The father was surprised: "But we always work on Saturday. It's our busiest day." "I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted, "because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbos." "See," the father says. "I told you marrying a shiksa would cause problems." |
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(forwarded by Rob Mayoff) OY, YOU NEVER VISIT YOUR MOTHER'S WEB SITE Not That You Should Care, Mr.I-Have-My-Own-Site-Now! I'm thinking of divorcing your father. Oh, you didn't know that, Mr. I-have-no-time-for-the-woman-who-bore-me-and-taught-me-HTML? Well, if you ever bothered to drop by your mother's web site, just once in a while, spare just a few of your precious surfing minutes, you'd know that. It was in my weblog from last week. But far be it from me to complain, although would it hurt so much to visit the family web site -- the site where you first learned how to code, I shouldn't have to mention? I've done some things around the place. Remember that animated .gif that your father used to love? The one with the stupid dancing fish? On the home page, he wanted it! He insisted! Well it's gone! I'm doing everything in Macromedia Flash now. Your father doesn't even know. G-d forbid he should make time to visit his own wife's site. So I should be forgiving you? It's in your genes, that's what RabbiNet says. Your sister Rachel, she visits your mother's site every week, and you know how hard it is for her to get around, what with that 56k dial-up connection she suffers with, and that schmendrick of a husband always hogging the computer. He surfs like a pig! But your sister Hannah -- Judaism should have saints! She has a link to my site right on her home page, and she surfs in every day, after work. And she's got kids! But you, you with your fancy DSL, you who won't put up a link to your own mother's site, you, who have by the way not brought me one grandchild -- not that I'm utzing, G-d knows -- you're too busy chasing every girlie site with so much as a sheyner ponim. But I have news for you, Mr. I-can't-be-bothered-to-visit-my-own-mother's-site-but-I-can-troll-for-strumpets-at-Temptation-Island-com. That goyishe site has no pictures of the sort you're after, not so much as a pupik showing. And don't tell me you're spending all your time at MinyanWorship.org. That site's not doing so well, they can never get a quorum, no small thanks to you who never shows up for prayer, as G-d in himmel knows. Are you cleaning your mouse? Remember to clean your mouse. And keep your fingers on the keyboard, where they belong. Oy, how I suffer. You know, I haven't changed your page since you left. It's just like it was when we were still under one site, one happy family. Ouch, memories! But it's still there, if you want to come back and see it, even maybe make a few changes. Nice to have it lived in once in a while. Not that I'm asking you to move back in. I know you have your own URL now and your own "site," which I shouldn't say, so I won't, that it's a mess Mr. Garbage Mouth and my friend Mrs. Meierson, who must have seen it G-d knows how, says don't make yourself sick, that son of yours is just a nebbish, a nobody, look at the way he keeps that site of his with all the broken links and script errors. So I'm not saying you should consider coming back, but you still have the password to the site, if you remember how to use it, I'm not holding my breath. You remember Annabelle14@aol.com, the girl you met on MitzvahSingles.org? Such a lovely person. She still comes by my site. And so pretty! She sent me a .gif and I put it up. You should come see it. How long will it be until somebody else, some nice rich mentsh who makes a good living and has a nice clean web page, is visiting my site and sees Annabelle and sweeps her off her feet? Not that you should care. But her picture is there. And a link to her web site. And her email address, in case you've forgotten it. Not that you would think to care about such things as a dying mother's last wish for your happiness. By the way, have I mentioned I'm dying? It was in my weblog from last week. Oh, that's right, you don't have time to come to your mother's site anymore. I'm leaving the site to your sisters. |
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on Passover night we never know how to do anything right? We don't eat our meals in the regular ways, the ways that we do on all other days. --- `Cause on all other nights we may eat all kinds of wonderful good bready treats, like big purple pizza that tastes like a pickle, crumbly crackers and pink pumpernickel, sassafras sandwich and tiger on rye, fifty felafels in pita, fresh-fried, with peanut-butter and tangerine sauce spread onto each side up-and-down, then across, and toasted whole-wheat bread with liver and ducks, and crumpets and |
dumplings, and bagels and lox, and doughnuts with one hole and doughnuts with four, and cake with six layers and windows and doors. Yes-- on all other nights we eat all kinds of bread, but tonight of all nights we munch matzah instead. --- And on all other nights we devour vegetables, green things, and bushes and flowers, lettuce that's leafy and candy-striped spinach, fresh silly celery (Have more when you're finished!) cabbage that's flown from the jungles of Glome by a polka-dot bird who can't find his way home, daisies and roses and inside-out grass |
that are simply first class! Sixty asparagus tips served in glasses with anchovy sauce and some sticky molasses --- Passover night you would never consider eating an herb that wasn't all bitter. --- And on all other nights you would probably flip if anyone asked you how often you dip. On some days I only dip one Bup-Bup egg in a teaspoon of vinegar mixed with nutmeg, but sometimes we take more than ten thousand tails of the Yakkity-birds that are hunted in Wales, and dip them in vats full of Mumbegum juice. Then we feed them to Harold, |
Or we don't dip at all! We don't ask your advice. So why on this night do we have to dip twice? --- And on all other nights we can sit as we please, on our heads, on our elbows, our backs or our knees, or hang by our toes from the tail of a Glump, or on top of a camel with one or two humps, with our foot on the table, our nose on the floor, with one ear in the window and one out the door, doing somersaults over the greasy k'nishes or dancing a jig without breaking the dishes. Yes-- on all other nights you sit nicely when dining-- So why on this night must it all be reclining? |
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"A Passover Quiz" Submitted by Denise Mayoff 2. What is part of the Passover preparations? 3. Matzah is known as the "bread of affliction"
because: 4. The best place to hide the Afikoman is 5. The Number One Afikoman gift this year is 6. The Four Questions include 7. If there were a Passover Hall of Fame, who would you
vote to induct? 8. The Four Children include 9. Before the time of Abraham, people worshipped 10. When Jacob and his family originally went down to Egypt,
they 11. On Seder night, we are supposed to drink wine until |
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My family coat of arms ties at the back....is that normal? My family tree is a few branches short! All help appreciated My ancestors must be in a witness protection program! Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall! My hobby is genealogy, I raise dust bunnies as pets. How can one ancestor cause so much TROUBLE?? I looked into my family tree and found out I was a sap.. I'm not stuck, I'm ancestrally challenged I'm searching for myself; Have you seen me ? If only people came with pull-down menus and on-line help... Isn't genealogy fun? The answer to one problem, leads to two more! It's 1999... Do you know where your-Great-G...-Grandparents are? A family reunion is an effective form of birth control A family tree can wither if nobody tends it's roots A new cousin a day keeps the boredom away After 30 days, unclaimed ancestors will be adopted Am I the only person up my tree... sure seems like it Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts and a few bad apples Ever find an ancestor HANGING from the family tree? FLOOR: The place for storing your priceless genealogy records. Gene-Allergy: It's a contagious disease, but I love it Genealogists are time unravelers Genealogy is like playing hide and seek: They hide... I seek! Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people "Crazy" is a relative term in my family |
A pack rat is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor I want to find ALL of them! So far I only have a few thousand I Should have asked them BEFORE they died! I think my ancestors had several "Bad heir" days I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the JUNEflower Only a Genealogist regards a step backwards, as progress Share your knowledge, it is a way to achieve immortality Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools! It's an unusual family
that hath neither a lady of the evening nor a Many a family tree needs pruning Shh! Be very, very quiet.... I'm hunting forebears. Snobs talk as if they had begotten their own ancestors! That's strange: half my ancestors are WOMEN! I'm not sick, I've just got fading genes Genealogists live in the past lane Cousins marrying cousins: Very tangled roots! Cousins marrying cousins: A non-branching family tree Alright! Everybody out of the gene pool! Always willing to share my ignorance.... Documentation...The hardest part of genealogy Genealogy: Chasing your own tale! Genealogy...will I ever find time to mow the lawn again? That's the problem with the gene pool: NO Lifeguards I researched my family tree... and apparently I don't exist! SO MANY ANCESTORS...........................SO LITTLE TIME! |